Jamie Snead Cricks is a humor writer, documentary filmmaker, Master's degree student, and operations executive from Winter Park, Florida. Her work has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Brushing Art and Literary Journal and Barking Moonbat- Batshit Crazy Political Satire. Most recently, she was included in the Patron's EBook, Popular Sections from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency 2016.  

Craigslist Missed Connections From ShondaLand

Jamie Snead Cricks

Hottie with a killer smile – m4f


Seriously, what are the odds that we would both be dragging bodies through the same part of the woods in the middle of the night??? But there we were. I would’ve asked you your name, but you seemed shy, and the timing just felt off. Still as we brushed by each other, I knew something was between us besides just the victims’ arms. I am a law student at Middleton University who loves to cook and get involved in improbable crimes by accident. You were wearing a cashmere sweater. Who buries a body in a cashmere sweater??? I have to know who you are. If you see this, maybe we can help each other under the covers and with our coverups. When I’m not studying at the library, I can usually be found talking in furtive whispers with my friends at the coffee shop on campus. I am tall, blonde and currently have a bandaged hand from a pesky cut doing you know what. Find me, and let’s get buried in each other.


We both blended in to the crowd – m4m


You were there. I was there. No one really noticed us, but we noticed each other. There was just something a little extra about you. I liked your nondescript khaki pants and unbranded paper coffee cup. So sexy. I was next to a guy wearing a Middleton sweatshirt with a bloody bandage around his hand whispering furtively in to a cell phone. Everyone was watching the news about the possible double murder of a senator and some college professor, but I only had eyes for you.


I have hair and an average body type. Maybe next time we can have our muffins together quietly somewhere in the background of an unnamed coffee shop and watch the action unfold around us.


Handsome doctor with an electrifying smile – f4m


i came in to grey sloan memorial hospital on a wednesday a few weeks ago, and my friend was with me. We were there after a freak accident at the pier. Oh my gosh, it was so scary! U may remember me cause i had on this cute green sweater with little snowflakes on it and a crowbar thru my face. The guy next to me had come in for an infected cut on his hand, which is like no big deal, but then he died! It was super :(. He was sick with fever and crying out “I didn’t mean to do it” over and over and over. His mother didn’t get there until it was too late! She kept saying “But he just started college at Middleton” and bawling. It weirded me out because i also just started Middleton!!! I’m studying communications! There was a lot of #drama when he coded, but still, i saw u and our eyes met. U were standing over his bed with a defibrillator in ur hands. i was #shocked by my reaction to u! Even the crowbar couldn’t pry me away from ur gaze.


Anyway, i’m currently in speech therapy for the damage to my face. i also had some other complications. They ended up having to remove a brain tumor they found during my mri, and of course i had a minor stroke on the table. Maybe it’s almost dying three times so quickly, or seeing what can happen to a neglected infected hand, but i just had to take the chance!!! #yolo


It’s a long shot, but if u remember me, and if i still remember u after i finish with all the meds, i was hoping we could meet up for some jello or other semi-solid food and see what happens. Look for me at the bobo tea place at the mall!


File this under a second chance  – f4m


I was working in the dusty, dank records department of Grey Sloan. You may have seen me there before, but I doubt you would notice me amongst the endless rows of ominous gray filing cabinets. You asked me for a file on a different doctor’s patient. A female who had come in for multiple lacerations on her hands and a sprained ankle. I said I couldn't give it to you, glancing down shyly as I spoke, my hands trembling a little under the fluorescent lights, but I didn’t tell you I was actually holding it for the police. I’m sorry, that information would have probably been helpful, but I decided not to mention it for some unknown reason that needs no other explanation. You smiled and gave me a little wink, and then you said something about your cats. I remember because I also have many cats. I hope one day you get to meet my Mr. Wiggles.


I have glasses and brown hair I always wear in a low ponytail. You may remember accidentally knocking over a box of files I cleaned up while keeping my back to you and my desk. That would later get me fired, but it was worth it for a chance to help you. Sadly, you were gone by the time I looked up, my hopeful eyes searching wantonly, and now that I think of it, so was the file. I hope we find each other again on this journey. I long to feel your chest heaving against my own. Maybe you’ll find me at my next job as a file clerk at the courthouse or a similar type of profession considered appropriate for an early-thirties, average female. I will be there, daydreaming of you with a my heart full of longing and my hands full of papers.


Let’s make a montage together – f4m


I was in the downtown police station filing a missing persons report for my soon-to-be-ex-if-he-isn’t-already-dead husband. The cheating SOB was “working” with a student and never came home. He’s “worked” with a lot of students over the years. All of them male and all of them gorgeous. He thinks I’m such an idiot. I know this may seem like a lot of information, but I feel like some exposition is needed for context.


Anyway, if the POS is dead, I’m taking the insurance money and getting out of this town forever. I know it’s nuts, but I want you to come with me. I can just picture us, crisscrossing the country and making short, yet poignant memories together.

I want to keep surveilling you all night long – f4f


I was watching you through the camera hidden in your hallway vase, and even though I know it isn’t possible, it felt like you knew I could see you. You are beautiful. Intense. I have to have you. Even after my shift ended, I couldn’t stop thinking about your grace under pressure and your ability to endlessly drink wine while covering the tracks of a dead senator and his young lover. After I’m done officially surveilling you, I will find you and make you fall in love with me using all I have learned about you, and then I will move in to your Pottery Barn decorated apartment where we will constantly have sex while laughing and plot endless conspiracies to save the world. Will you feel betrayed when I eventually show you this very Missed Connection to prove that I was manipulating you the entire time we were together? Likely. Does that mean I won’t still enjoy the taste of your tears as they mix with a rare Pinot? Absolutely not.


You made me rock hard – m4f


You were wearing headphones. I was wearing headphones. You were reading a book. I was reading a book. You entered from the left and sat on the second step. I entered from the right and sat on the third. You didn’t want anyone to really notice you, but I did anyway. You may have noticed me also. I was nodding my head to the beat and taking in your nondescript but still apparent beauty while I watched an elegant woman in a white hat approach a doctor and hand him an envelope of cash. You didn’t seem to notice them, and I found your deliberate ambivalence very attractive. If you see this, let’s jam out together.


I judged that ass, and I found it guilty – m4f


I was leaving my courtroom, and we bumped in to each other. I knocked the files out of your hand. You looked up at me with your big, brown eyes, so serious under those librarian glasses. “I’m sorry! It’s my first day at a new job and I guess I wasn’t paying attention!” I barely muttered a response because I was taken aback by my overwhelming attraction to you. I had just taken off my robes and was wearing a charcoal suit. You may remember a a young lady crying the happy tears of a defendant found not guilty nearby. The prosecution was missing key evidence, but the way I felt when our eyes met was in no way circumstantial. I don’t know what you’re in to, but if you see this, I’ll be at the coffee shop every day at lunch, dreaming of debriefing you.


I want to dip my pen in your ink and write a love story – m4f


I saw you in the mall near the shoe store where I work. You were across the way getting a bobo tea. You have a beautiful smile despite the fact that you seem to have had a serious accident at some point. I know you have scars, but all I see is the beauty of your joy shining through. Maybe you’ve seen me through the window?


I’m a writer at night, so it’s possible I’m romanticizing things, but lately all I can think about is meeting you and filling up your plot holes with my similes, if you know what I mean. I hope things come full circle one day and I see you again somewhere unlikely under improbable circumstances so that we can write a happy ending together.